general

...DEIFIC TITLE...... O'ZIXONAS.
...EPITHET(S)...... the seed of [un]creation, the accursed spawn, the beginning of the end, it which comes from in-between, and many more....BIRTH NAME...... joanne hoshino.
...ETYMOLOGY...... joanne ^{(god is gracious)}../..hoshino ^{(star field)}...DATE OF BIRTH...... march 8th, 1970.
...PLACE OF BIRTH...... manhattan, new york.
...AGE...... given their eldritch nature, time works strangely for them. the human body appears to be somewhere in its mid-twenties....ETHNICITY...... japanese / black.
...NATIONALITY...... american....GENDER IDENTITY...... agender, in terms of feeling genderless.
* doesn't care for norms and presents however they please, primarily defaulting to they/them. they are fine with being referred to as other pronouns (she/her or he/him) too, as well as gendered & neutral terms.
...SEXUALITY...... (butch) lesbian....SPECIES...... complicated. born a human, raised as a human, and technically still human to some degree, but in actuality, they are a demidritch; an eldritch entity of unknown cosmic origin—they reside in the unseeable curves and angles of the universe and beyond that....RELIGION...... used to be religious, but not anymore; however, they are aware of the existence of higher beings / entities.
...EDUCATION...... dropped out some time during high school.
...LANGUAGE(S)...... english, japanese (conversational, at best), ASL, and o'htyrx (other-tongue: the native language of the demidritch)....RESIDENCE...... homeless. constantly running moving, making sure not to stick around in the same place for too long.
...OCCUPATION...... soon-to-be god / usually busy protecting reality from whatever the hell manages to slither through the veil.

attributes

...HEIGHT...... tall, too tall. stands at an unnatural 7'5" (226 cm).
...WEIGHT...... unknown. far denser than the average person, near-impossible to pick them up without breaking something as a result.
...BUILD...... well-built and fairly muscular....EYES...... there are stars where their eyes should be, framed by long lashes and thick brows. they hold an iridiscent glow and emit an eerily low hum during periods of silence. their gaze alone can best be described as burning, like staring directly into the sun for too long.
...HAIR...... brown; thick and voluminous, holding itself in natural curls. extremely long, reaching far past their legs to their feet—they choose to leave it alone and keep it loose for this reason.
...SKIN...... a golden brown with warm undertones, every inch of their skin is covered from head to toe in slightly darker freckles.
...FEATURES...... heavily scarred all over their body, hirsute/visible body hair (arms, underarms, legs, chest, abdominal region/'happy trail'), and sharp canine teeth (upper and lower)....PROSTHETIC(S)...... an old and battered prosthetic for their left arm, missing most of its ring finger and the first joint of the index.
...PIERCING(S)...... a lot, most done by themself: nose stud, triple lobes, snake bites, medusa, tongue, and belly button....VOICE...... a bit low with dark and raspy undertones laced in it. tends to speak somewhat quiet to avoid attention, but even then, their voice is still pretty powerful, like a rumble that's building up. general volume is influenced by emotional intensity. has a tendency to shorten words when they speak (e.g. something to somethin'). now, their other voice? that's a completely different story. (sample)

relations

...PARENTS...... eso'dixa: the all-mother (mother, unknown), xo'vodia: the great devourer (father, alive), sachiko hoshino (human mother, deceased), jonathan elkins (human father, deceased)....SIBLINGS...... too many to list; all spawns of eso'dixa and xo'vodia....AFFLIATIONS...... themself. they prefer to work alone unless absolutely necessary, primarily for the safety of others; however, if the situation calls for it, they're willing to provide temporary aid if asked, but they won't help just anyone who comes to them.

psyche / body

...MENTAL HEALTH...... major depression, c-ptsd, dissociative episodes (depersonalization -derealization), and severe memory issues.
...DISORDERS...... parasomnia / nightmare disorder.
...PHYSICAL...... nerve damage, tremors, and phantom pain.

introspection

...MBTI...... infj-t, the advocate.
...ENNEAGRAM...... type six, the loyalist (6w5).
...TEMPERMENT...... melancholic-sanguine.
...ALIGNMENT...... chaotic neutral....TROPES...... when the planets align, trapped in the host, fetus terrible, deal with an abomination, came back wrong: monster from beyond the veil, deity of human origin, eldritch transformation / humanoid abomination, what have i become?, bad powers, good people: lovecraftian superpower, sheep in wolf's clothing, refusal of the call, i just want to be normal, screw destiny, and you can't fight fate.

aspects / powers

true form (eldritch physiology, strange / altered anatomy, eldritch soul, alien mind, divine / unnatural presence), supernatural enhancements (strength, speed, stamina, durability, the five senses), immortality, regenerative healing factor, ressurection, eldritch magic, and in-between travel (dimensional/multiversal travel).
..
..... for a more in-depth view into joanne's capabilities, proceed here....

...true form / eldritch physiology...... their true form has laid dormant for years, only recently configuring itself just below the surface of their skin as a result of joanne accepting xo'vodia's proposal. the abomination began growing inside of them, invading every crevice of their mind and body, and they can feel it thrashing about all the time, desperate to be released.their human body still remains intact, but it'll one day become just a form they can take so others can better comprehend them. for now, at least, it's real, but acts similar to a shell that is meant to keep the monstrosity inside; if it desires to come out, it will, one way or another, and this normally involves the reccurent destruction of joanne's body, leaving it to put itself back together once the creature has finished what it set out to do before crawling back into them.the real body is omnifarious, illustrated and theorized throughout various ancient texts to be able to take any shape, size, and state of matter it so chooses. primarily though, for those who have witnessed it, it takes the form of what can only be described as a towering horror. above all else, bearing witness to it is a grisly reminder that everything that begins must eventually end too. those who look upon it are either driven mad by this revelation or fall into a deep fantacism to convince themselves that despite the inevitability of death, it is an honor to be part of this age-old cycle, making them seem significant in the grand scheme of it all, even though this could not be farther from the truth—creation and destruction were not made for them, it simply is, always has been, and will continue to be even after they vanish from existence.

its true form is difficult to explain. the few who have come out alive, and still somewhat sane, are only able to recount bits and pieces of it, each having different explanations. by combining these various accounts, the following description was created, as depicted below:it was beautiful and devastating all at once, "like looking into a telescope and being confronted with the horrific vastness of space." its surface was composed of 'liquid cosmos' that dripped from its form, clear as a reflection into the beyond, "you could dive straight into it and suddenly find yourself floating endlessly through the cruel void of the known universe, maybe even further than that." it glowed many-hued with colors both known and unperceivable to the naked eye, dotted with the long-since dead light of stars and the remants of other celestial bodies floating inside it, "some of them forming before my eyes while others died at the same time."moving onto its body, the common consensus was that it looked like it was composed out of tendrils, constantly moving and pulsating, having configured themselves into the shape of a body. some said it was colossal, bigger than anything they'd ever seen, while others said the thing had been the same size as them, if only just a bit taller, but still intimidating all the same.one person, who has requested complete anonymity, said that some structures you'd normally find inside of a body were entirely exposed on the outside of the thing, "i saw it from the back first. it had this ugly, jagged spine, with more vertebrae than normal. i think i traced along my own spine in that moment and winced in physical pain at the thought of it being that long and sharp. then, it turned around, and the first thing i noticed was how big its ribcage was, the bones bent at harsh angles, some even in angles that didn't seem geometrically possible. and there, trapped inside the prison of those bones was what i think, and don't take my word for it, was its heart. its beat was louder than anything i'd ever heard before, blowing my eardrums out temporarily, but the sound had already embedded itself into my mind. even now, i can still hear it clear as day, pounding in my head. for the moment i was able to look at it, it was digusting when it throbbed, connected to these weird-looking... arteries? i don't know, i was never good at anatomy. the heart itself had this blinding glow, like an impending supernova, right on the verge of exploding. i didn't stick around long enough to see if that would happen, but now that i think about it... no matter how far i went or how fast i ran, i don't think i would have escaped that."it was multi-limbed, or "seemed like it had limbs, but they were... wrong almost." one woman said that if what she saw were arms, it had at least three sets, with at least four sprouting out from what she believed to be its back, "i can only remember its hands, if you can even call them that. the fingers were like claws, so sharp they could've torn through me like i was nothing but tenderized meat. instead, it reached out, and it held my face... gently, like deep down, some part of it didn't want to hurt me. even then, as it held me, i knew that it still could have annihilated me right then and there if it wanted to. and that's the thing, it didn't want to."for some reason, the abomination has been insisted by some to be capable of acts of mercy, even though its nature shouldn't allow it, but others claimed being witnesses to events that displayed the full capacity of its cruelty. one man, who has become mute since the incident, wrote down on a piece of paper, "it had legs. lots of them, like a spider, but more than a spider. it defied gravity, levitating above us, looking down like we were nothing but insects. but you wanna know the funniest part? it fucking chooses to move around like that because it knows its slower floating than when its on the ground. its like watching an apex predator at work, and once it hits the floor, its fast. too fast, when it wants to get you. like when it got my brother."it holds a semblance of a face. ethan [redacted], who was brave kind enough to provide his story, attempted to recall the details the best he could, "there wasn't much to it. well, on the outside at least. no mouth, dark sockets. the real problem was when it opened up. its face was divided into these four sections, peeling back to reveal its throat. it was like a black hole, ready to drag you in. it had teeth, or maybe it didn't, i was too scared to look. but [redacted] wasn't. no, he stared right into it, even as the pull of it lifted him right off the ground to get closer. he saw something in there, but you can't ask him what, not anymore. he's been unresponsive since; his body's here, but his mind's gone, and his soul is too. my best friend reduced to a husk. if you ask me though? i think he saw something that just made everything... make sense. at least, that's what i like to think, because that's the nicest out of the other ideas i've had. sorry, i'm rambling. what i did see clearly was its eyes. they were these deep holes of infinite blackness, but they weren't empty. when i met its gaze, two stars plucked straight from the night sky flickered awake. it was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen... and the last thing i ever saw."although minor details, they should still be noted. a young girl, who will remain anonymous for safety reasons, said that she had seen the creature once in her dreams. when she awoke, she had drawn a picture of it, excited to show it to her father who did not share the same sentiment upon seeing it. "it had long, pretty hair (tendrils)," she laughed, touching up the picture with a broken crayon, "there was a lot of it. it was everywhere, floating around all funny-like! i wanted to braid it." for some odd reason, this was the only attribute of the creature she seemed to notice, as if her brain was purposely blocking out its other aspects to protect itself... or, it didn't care.her father couldn't even bring himself to look at it again, "when i saw it, my blood ran cold. me, a grown man, scared shitless by a drawing my six-year old daughter made. it was absolutely revolting, only the sickest mind out there could think of something like that. but, at the same time, it didn't feel fake; something in me knew that this wasn't just her imagination running wild. god, i must sound crazy. it's like, my brain can't make up a logical explanation for it, but my heart is filled with this dread of knowing that it's real and it's out there... somewhere. what got my attention though were the horns, similar to a demon. it looked satanic, but at the same time, i don't think this was a creature that crawled out of hell. no, this was something far worse than whatever hell could possibly have in it; its existence spits right in the face of God."

...strange / altered anatomy...... joanne's resurrection brought about abnormal changes to their human body. if one were to look at them from a distance, they may seem normal, but through a prolonged gaze and much squinting, a feeling of something being off starts to develop. they are too tall for an average person, or human for that matter; their body has needed to change drastically in this aspect to accomodate the creature growing inside of them.when it comes to their anatomy inside, it no longer resembles or functions like a human's, their very cells and DNA having been warped beyond recognition. their blood isn't red, or even look like blood at all, and seems to have a mind of its own outside of the body. their bones are not composed of calcium, but something far more durable (which provides reason for their unknown, but heavy estimate of weight). the nervous system has become an endless entanglement made of god only knows what. their organs,—which they have developed more of, but their functions are not known—muscles, and tissue are made out of a strange, cosmic material, but what that material is exactly doesn't even have a proper word for it, they just look (and feel) very wrong. lastly, the most notable organ in their body, similar even in its true form, is their heart; it is a massive, burning core made out of dying stars and eldritch energy.▸ ...eldritch soul...... joanne possesses an eldritch soul, a direct result of being the spawn of xo'vodia and eso'dixa & being born during an anamoly (the perfect alignment of the stars and planets) that temporarily ripped a hole in the fabric of reality. their soul grants them the ability to use eldritch magicks and to freely manipulate the madness & fear of those around them.▸ ...alien mind...... joanne also possesses what is known as an alien mind. after being resurrected, their brain became warped by eldritch forces, morphing it into an abominable hellscape. there are some parts of it that are still human, attempting to fight off the infectious madness, but soon, it will be fully converted. the madness that dwells in their head is so great that at times it can leak out, twisting any parts of reality that it makes contact with. telepaths, mind walkers, and dream walkers are heavily advised to avoid it at all costs, for the consequences are devastating (this utimately depends on the strength and will the user holds).▸ ...divine / unnatural presence...... in their true form, they exude a presence of transcendence, something to either be feared or worshipped; however, when in their human body (which is the default) nothing directly points to them being divine nor eldritch in nature. at most, one would get this feeling of something feeling wrong, but they can't quite put their finger on it. being around joanne, in simple terms, makes levels of uncanniness go off the charts (it has been noted that those with higher perception and users of magic are able to catch on quicker to their otherworldiness while higher / powerful beings understand it instantly). their presence also distorts the environment around them to varying degrees (strongest in their true form). joanne attempts to manage this to the best of their ability, having a decent grasp on influencing its range and intensity, but it can grow out of their control, especially when under extreme stress....supernatural enhancements...... when joanne underwent their transformation, it greatly amplified certain attributes, breaking set limitations put in place by their brain in the following ways: strength, speed, stamina, durability, and all five of their senses have since been enhanced....eldritch magic...... joanne's main source of power is their magic. once the transformation started, their mind flooded with information not meant to be known, and as their brain evolved to accommodate the madness, they gained knowledge of the magicks used by their species. by pulling from the higher powers of the in-between (the realm of the demidritch), they are capable of a variety of mystical feats. however, like most magic, it comes with a price―as they are still somewhat human, the horrors cast can still affect their remaining mortal aspects, causing great physical and mental strain, leaving them in extremely vulnerable states until they are able to recover. the in-between also has a strange tendency to follow a give-and-take system; by calling unto these powers for use, joanne risks losing something in return as payment at any time the realm decides. this exchange will not be required once they ascend....in-between travel...... a unique verison of dimensional/multiversal travel. dwelving further into the in-between, it is a realm that exists only in the unseeable curves and angles of the universe. the demidritch originate from this plane, allowing them to travel to and from places from this dimension. thus, by extension, joanne is able to use the in-between for transportation too. the in-between can either be accessed by tearing holes into reality, simply walking between two points in a physical plane where an angle exists (e.g. the corner of a room), or in joanne's case, walking into an open space wherever and suddenly dissapearing. they are also able to bring people with them through the in-between, but the plane is known for its distorting effects, making it highly dangerous to traverse through; those who have been in it, which is a very rare few, are unable to describe what it looked and felt like as they moved from place to place....regenerative healing factor...... joanne is capable of healing through means of regenerating, but the rate at which it is done depends on the body they are in. this factor has made them immune to the effects of aging, illness, drugs, and alcohol since their body is in a constant state of healing itself. in their true form, any harm received can be regenerated at an extraordinarily fast rate, making it difficult to deal any lasting damage to it. on the other hand, their human body's ability to regenerate itself is proportional to the amount of damage sustained―smaller injuries can take a couple of seconds to minutes while larger ones take hours, days, or even weeks in the case of their human body being destroyed. the only exceptions to the longer time duration for larger injuries are in the case of either broken bones, which can simply be snapped back into place, or severed body parts, which can just be reattached. this factor does not make them immune to pain though as the process is extremely agonizing for them to undergo....immortality...... the mechanics behind how joanne's immortality functions is complicated. their mortal body is no longer susceptible to aging and normal means of harm can't kill them like they would a normal human. if enough damage is done to their body, it can incapacitate them at the risk of releasing their true form on reality, but it will return back to the mortal shell once it has fully healed. this isn't to say they can't face 'death', it is possible, but extremely difficult to pull off; they can be severely harmed by weapons designed to harm the demidritch (the shatterstar, moondrop, sunkiss, dreamwalker, & oblivion’s edge), powerful means of magic, the godeaters (creatures created to devour the divine), and by the hands of other abominations or any other divine / higher being. however, it's not permanent. their eldritch nature guarantees they will come back, either through sheer willpower or by ritualistic means....ressurection...... for joanne, death is temporary. they have the capability of bringing themself back in the event that they are 'killed' or 'destroyed'. depending on the damage done, it may take awhile before they are able to return, healing in the in-between, but when they do, their body will simply remanifest into the physical plane in some random location. each time they come back though, it speeds up the process of the transformation, taking away what's left of their humanity bit by bit. as of now, they have died a total of ....... times. it is also possible for other people to resurrect them by more forceful means (e.g. cult followings in the name of o'zixonas are equipped to perform a specific ritual in the event of their god's death).

.....RETURN?...

MARCH 8TH, 1970, IT IS 6:30 A.M. IN THE DELIVERY ROOM THAT IS FILLED WITH THE AGONIZING SCREAMS OF YOUR MOTHER. when you enter this world, you do not enter it quietly. clearing your lungs of amniotic fluid and mucus, the cry that you release terrifies those who are present to hear it. even now, the doctor who delivered you can't forget it, no matter how hard he tries, the sound burned into his brain (the thought of it makes him sick).the results of your tests come back and they are unable to find anything wrong with you; despite this, deep down, they know something was. as she reaches out with shaking arms, your mother doesn't even get the chance to hold you for the first time before she begins to hemorrhage. you are left in that bright red room as she is wheeled off for emergency surgery.miraculously, she manages to pull through, but when you think about it, maybe it would have been best if she had slipped away right then and there in that operating room. maybe that would have been the greatest mercy she could have ever been granted in this life. she gives you the name 'joanne', a suggestion from your (deceased) father, which translates to God is gracious—you find this ironic now because no sane God would have ever allowed you to exist.the day you are both discharged from the hospital, your mother returns with you to her now-empty apartment. she places you in the half-finished crib built by your father, and then she begins to cry. people often don't remember things from when they were younger, but you remember how sad your mother was. for the next four years, she raises you on her own.it isn't until you're five that she starts to see a man named matthew morse. there's a strange sort of guilt that begins to consume your mother; she loves you, very much, and you were enough for her, but at the same time, you weren't. he intrudes on the space that you have only ever known to be yours and your mother's, and you hate him for this. the sentiment is shared, albeit subtlety: he wasn't entirely fond of you either. they get married a year into their relationship.you leave the only place you've ever known as home to move in with your step-father shortly after the wedding ceremony. you're six years old now and you don't understand why she loves him. he's loud and always smells funny when he comes home late after work. you, like most children, are perceptive and see just how rotten he is. as the yelling outside your bedroom door grows louder and harder to ignore each night, you wonder why your mother can't see the same. your hatred is soon justified when he begins to hurt her, and then, when he hurts you too.you come to learn through violence that matthew wasn't like most fathers and that didn't feel fair. on the street, you see other children holding hands with their dads, and wonder why matthew grabs your arm a little too hard and drags you along instead. from the kitchen table, you watch as a family shares a feast of food and love in a sitcom on TV while your mother picks up broken pieces of glass off the floor & matthew throws an empty beer bottle past your head. other children lose their first tooth courtesy of a string and shut door, but yours scatters across the floor when matthew hits you so hard you see stars. you finally understand why your mother has stayed with him all this time—she was too afraid to leave, and now, so were you.for the next three years, you are trapped in a house that has never once felt like a home; you start to believe that this is what hell on earth is like. in your mind, you now refer to matthew as not-quite-father in an attempt to detach yourself from him, because in reality he really wasn't, and maybe that would help you deal with everything better. soon, you are nine years old, and your mother escapes with you one morning after matthew leaves for work. she carries you the whole way to god only knows where, and when you finally realize that you're safe, you break down in the sanctuary that was her embrace, your face buried into the crook of her neck.for the next two months, you and your mother live in a women's shelter. with help, she is able to secure a job at a diner, and you are finally enrolled into public school. academically, you excel, but you find it difficult to form connections with your classmates, who in turn don't wish to approach you because they view your behavior as strange. the only attention you get is in the form of cruel teasing. there's not a day where you aren't reminded of how 'weird' you are.you are ten years old now and you live in a one-bedroom apartment. your mother juggles between two jobs to make ends meet and you don't see her as much until later in the evening. despite these challenges, you are the happiest you've ever been, and your mother does her best to give you a meaningful childhood beyond the trauma you've endured. you get to live a normal and quiet life, but that eventually comes to an end when you notice the thing inside of you.IT IS 1985, YOU ARE FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, AND THE WORLD SUDDENLY SHIFTS. there is a feeling in the air that something terrible is bound to happen. the thing that has been lying dormant in your mind uses this as an opportunity to slip under the radar in the face of a creeping evil and begins attempts at communicating with you. for the following months, you have the same nightmare: you are suspended in an endless black, and at the center of it all was some thing that towers over you, all-encompassing and utterly terrifying. it whispers to you in some tongue that makes your ears bleed, as if beckoning you closer, and you almost swear you can understand it, almost. the thing wants you and you know it, but you can't move away, even as it brings itself nearer, reaching out with hands that were not quite hands to grab you, and by the time you open your mouth, the nightmare ends. every single night, you wake up screaming.you are taken to a somnologist, but you don't think they can help you. not in a way that really matters at least, because whatever was happening when you fell asleep didn't feel like just a product of your mind. you are diagnosed with parasomnia, given some medication, and then sent on your way. all the pills do is make you sleep longer, forcing you to spend hours trapped in an unconscious state with the thing. you soon stop taking the medication altogether to avoid it and force yourself to stay awake for as long as you can most nights. it still tries to contact you outside of your dreams, but you ignore it the best you can. maybe if you saw that nightmare one more time, you would have noticed the warning signs before it was too late.you are fifteen years old and you are out on a rare evening with your mother. you are fifteen years old and the weather suddenly turns bad, cutting your day short. you are fifteen years old when a car that loses control on the slick roads collides with the one you are in. you are fifteen years old when you die, and that should have been the end of it, but it wasn't.the nightmare that has plagued you for months on end becomes a reality. you open your eyes and find that you are alone, trapped in an infinite darkness. your body is engulfed by a burning sensation and you wonder if this was what the afterlife was like. you pray to whatever god was listening that it wasn't—and a god does answer you, but you suddenly wish it hadn't.there, at the center of it all, was the very thing that had been haunting you. it was ugly and beautiful, nurturing and annihilating, rejecting and welcoming, all at once. as it made its way towards you, you couldn't move, you couldn't speak, you couldn't look away, even as its hands that were not quite hands grasp at your face, its clawed fingers digging into your skin. my child, it rasps, and for the first time, to your horror, you understand what it's saying, your existence thus far has been nothing but torment. even in death, your mind can't handle it, what it saw was beyond what it could comprehend, and it felt like you were splitting apart atom by atom.

it spoke to you, that much you know, but all you could catch at the time were fleeting phrases: prophecy, offspring, ritual, imprisonment, eso'dixa and xo'vodia. whatever it was explaining, you didn't quite get, and you could feel your time running out, your soul slipping away from existence. you didn't know what you were more afraid of: whatever this was or dying. it uses this uncertainty to its advantage... do you wish to live? did you? you don't know. you wanted this to be another nightmare, you wanted to wake up right now, you wanted your mother. your mouth quickly opens, the answer that you will soon come to regret slipping out, and then—you'd think coming back to life would be as simple as waking up, but it wasn't like that at all. there's no bright light, no comforting warmth, and it's certainly not as simple as just opening your eyes. coming back was pain: it was having your mind ripped in two between the known and the things not meant to be known, it was your soul becoming merged with unspeakable horrors, a parasite attaching and consuming your entire being in a never-ending cycle, it was your body healing and snapping in ways it was not meant to. surrounded by flashing lights and blaring sirens, the smell of blood intermingled with the pouring rain, you wake up screaming.at the hospital, the doctors are baffled that you made it out mostly unharmed. they tell you were lucky enough to have only lost your left arm, but you don't feel very lucky at all. especially not when they tell you your mother was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. with no known family, you are placed into the hands of the foster care system once you are discharged from the hospital. the rest of the year and the one following that would be spent with numerous foster families, bringing only the clothes on your back and the insurmountable grief you harbored onto each doorstep you were dropped in front of. you were always thankful for a roof over your head, but you never stayed very long, leaving one family for the next; your pain only grows, heavy and suffocating in its presence, with each home you are passed into.you are sixteen years old, and during this time, your brain attempts to rationalize the events that have transpired so far. you manage to convince yourself, for at least a little while, that whatever you saw was just your mind's way of dealing with the guilt of you surviving instead of your mother; however, xo'vodia's nagging persistence would throw this half-assed justification right out the window. coupled with always moving about and your trauma beginning to seriously influence the ways in which you function, you have no choice but to drop out of high school.much to your dismay, xo'vodia is the only real constant in your life; it has hovered over you like a dark cloud ever since the aftermath of the accident. at night it comes to you, now perceived more clearly than ever before, dwelling in the deepest corners of your mind. it grows tired of your feeble attempts to ignore it and forces you to learn the truth: that your mother was never really your mother, that it, the two who became one, were your true parents, and that you were meant to be something more. and you felt it, eating away day by day, transcending humanity, becoming consumed by a divine horror. something was growing inside of you, thrashing just below the surface of your skin, begging wanting to be released, and you realize the thing inside was you, the real you. against your wishes, the metamorphosis begins.the transformation continues to grow stronger with each passing month. cast away this pathetic form of meat and flesh, my spawn, and take your rightful place, it would say. you fight it off as best as you can, but it isn't enough. one day, it suddenly makes you to view beyond the veil of reality, pulling back the curtain for your still-mortal eyes to behold. what you bear witness to nearly breaks you: you see the things not meant to be seen, hear the things not meant to be heard, feel the things not meant to be felt, and understand all the things not meant to be known. in that moment, your willpower and resolve are shattered in an instant. in a desperate effort to escape your fate and rid yourself of xo'vodia, you attempt to end your life; you die a second time, but it would never allow you to get away from it that easily. you wake up in the hospital, surrounded by blinding lights, and there you are labeled as a potential danger to yourself.you would be admitted to evergreen court psychiatric facility and your time spent there is less than pleasant. you can't bring yourself to tell the truth about what's wrong with you, and even if you did, you don't think anyone would believe you. you don't even know if you believe yourself at this point. your only official diagnosis is clinical depression, and as your sudden breakdowns become more frequent and severe, the medical team of the facility finds it difficult to pinpoint what could be the exact causes behind them. one moment they tell you it's this, and the next that's suddenly wrong and it's actually really this now, but then that's not right either and it's this instead. you are subjected to various treatments over the duration of your stay: you are scheduled multiple sessions of psychotherapy, given different antidepressants and antipsychotics to take when the other ones start to weaken, have ECT administered three times every week, and in the most extreme of times put under heavy sedation.whatever's going on inside of you is anyone's guess. the unpredictability of your nature extends the span of your stay, the goal post for your release always moving further away; you stop keeping track of how many days have passed since you first arrived. it's been a while, that much you know, because you eventually turn seventeen, spending your birthday alone in your little room. the transformation marches along, the changes inside of your body altering you on an atomic level. and this place only fuels it, all the madness and fear and pain housed within these bare, sterile walls, laid out like a feast for you it to devour. the treatments only grow more and more unbearable, and at some point, you finally hit your limit—you don't know what will happen if you stay here any longer, but you do know nothing good will come of it.right up to the end, you fake it till you make it, pretending that you were starting to get better. your efforts pay off, eventually being deemed healthy enough to be released; however, as a precaution, you are sent to live in a group home for troubled youth until the system could figure out what exactly it wanted to do with you. your days there are uneventful, on the outside at least, and you're mainly too caught up in your own mind to even notice anything else around you. before you know it, you turn eighteen, and you've officially aged out of the system. your present? being left to your own devices (which you honestly think is the shittiest birthday gift in the world). you are thrown headfirst into the world and left scrambling to fend for yourself.FOR YEARS NOW, you have been left to deal with the festering horror inside of you alone, as you wander from place to place with no real destination in mind. you've learned that you can't settle anywhere for too long, not without bad shit happening, not without people just being in your general vicinity getting hurt, or worse. so, you run. and you keep running, and running, and running, and fucking running because it's all you know how to do at this point. the only thing you're certain of is that you sure as hell aren't going to give into the thing inside of you, no matter how much it howls and aches—why not use it to your advantage instead?